Wednesday, March 30, 2011


Tell the truth.  Honesty is the best policy.  The truth will set you free-- except when you have a substitute teacher who you think is being “annoying”.  
Then, the truth will get your card moved to red.

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The circle of life

My four year old tells me, “mom, when I die, I want to come back as a boy”.  She then asks, “when you die, what do you want to come back as”?  
While taking a minute to think about how to address that question, she answers herself, “never mind, I already know you want to come back as-- my mom”.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Things I've invented

When I die, I think instead of images from my life flashing before my eyes, it will be the last viewed screen of Facebook posts.

I invented Facebook.  Or definitely had a major part in it.  Which brings me to.....

Things I invented.  Or at least came up with the concept.

1. Facebook (Winklevoss, Shminklevoss).

While pregnant with my first child in early 2004, I remember my friend and I were trolling the internet, finding bits and pieces on old classmates, some of whom had actually posted information, and in a few cases--pictures!  After being disappointed that we were unable to find any real information of value, I remember distinctly one of us saying, “there really should be a central place you can go to share information about yourself, and see backgrounds and photos of people so you can catch up”.  And then like a month later Zuckerberg launched his site.

2.  Desperate Housewives, Season 7, Episode 14 “Flashback”

Line: “Hey neighbor”.

Long story, but that line was stolen from me word for word.

3.  Spanx.

For years, I would buy my tights a couple sizes too small to squeeze myself into.  Which reminds me of...

4.  Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

Huge fan of raw cookie dough all my life.  HUGE fan of vanilla ice cream.  I think I was about 13 (at least a couple of years before Ben and Jerry’s launch of their cookie dough ice cream) when I thought of putting the two together. 

5. lol.

Right there, in a note from junior high, next to BFF, LYLAS, F/F and SFA (Sisters Forever Always)? 
....and I could go on and on.  My next invention that I don’t think anyone has patented or copywrited yet is going to be-- whoa- never mind, it’s top secret.  I’m sure you’ll hear about it once someone else steals it.

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Sunday, March 27, 2011

Lenten offerings

During Lent, our church switches from real bread to thin, tasteless wafers.  After my 6 year old received his communion, he turns to the congregation and announces to everyone- “EEECHH. This is the WORST bread I have EVER had in my ENTIRE LIFE”! 

Then, as the chalice is being offered to him, he closes his eyes and chants, “just pretend it’s lemonade, just pretend it’s lemonade, just pretend it’s lemonade”....

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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Decisions, decisions

I heard some muffled, sniffling sounds coming from the living room, and found my four year old, huddled in a corner, crying.  I asked her what was wrong, and she looks at me, tears pooled up in her eyes, and then manages to choke out the words, “I-- I just don’t know who to mawee”..... .“I weally wike Wyan K, but he doesn’t wike me”......”and maybe Sam, or Charlie... but I don’t know if they are going to pick me...”  then throwing herself to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.
Oh boy.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


Lia:  "Mom, those flip-flops do NOT look good".

Me:  "Well,  I am wearing them because they are comfortable".

Lia:  "Well..... I guess I will just look away when you walk by".

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Clip quip

In the middle of giving my son a haircut, he suspiciously eyes me and says, "Don't you need some sort of license or something to be doing this"?


Anyone else ever feel like someone is watching them....or is that just me?  I’m not talking about the government pods in space with ultra-zoom lenses (cause we know that happens)-- I mean something more personal, like someone living in your attic, or hidden cameras planted in your home, or bugs on your telephone type of surveillance...
So we live across the street from a park, but do people have to park their vehicles directly across the street from my house?  Do they have to stay there for hours?  I mean how many utility vans need to be there in a day?  There are only 6 or 7 houses on my street.  Really?  Sears Appliance-- again?  How many times does the Culligan Man need to visit?
I was home alone one morning when I heard some suspicious noises coming from the front door.  I peered out the upstairs window and saw the top of someone’s head--he was wearing a brown ski mask and it looked like he was carrying something in his hands.   I quickly grabbed the phone and called my husband at work (isn’t that what most people would do during a home invasion?).  I then heard some loud thumping noises coming from the door, and I became completely hysterical.  
My husband asked me to calm down, and suggested I call 911.   Once I caught my breath, and could hear something besides the pounding of my own heart, I became acutely aware that the noises at the door had stopped.  I was convinced the intruder had given up, and decided to try the back door.  I tiptoed down the stairs in stealth mode to the kitchen where I stood, silent and motionless.  I glanced around furtively for a weapon, in case I had to use it.  Terrified, I forgot about my husband, still on the line--- “hello...........HELLO”?  
I whispered to him that I was trying to be quiet, to see if I could determine the guy’s next move.  My husband told me to go to the front window to see if I could see anything-- I steeled myself, kitchen butter knife in hand, and painstakingly made my way over to the window.  I carefully peered out, to see if I could catch another glimpse-- and then I announced,  “I SEE HIM!!  He’s heading back towards the street!!  He’s wearing a brown ski mask and dressed all in brown!!  He’s getting into the back of a van!!”  
My husband was quiet for a minute and said,  “He’s dressed all in brown?  Is his van brown?  Does it by chance say ‘U.P.S.’ ?"  "Maybe you should open the door and see if we have a package”.
So, as you can see my credibility isn’t great-- but still...!  Never hurts to be cautious, right?   
Now I completely forgot my point.  Probably from the brain scrambling waves in my computer.